The Emails (Carroll's Journal #32)

The following is the email exchange I had with Jude over the incident I discussed in my journal #31. Her defense will be that I emailed her first. She's right, I did. But only to get to the bottom of why she took it upon herself to work on Love Hate Poetry blog without my consent and what her intentions were behind being friends with Ira. When four months ago, she gave Ira the cold shoulder and deleted her off of her Goodreads friends list. Obviously, I had some concerns about this and about why she didn't want Ira to tell me about their friendship.


(My initial email to her)

I left you alone. You asked me to and I did. You wanted me out of your life and I am. So why not do me the same favor? You knew I was an administrator of Love Hate Poetry. You only did that for Hira so you could rub it in on me. Now you may have cost me another friendship. Thanks a lot Jude.


(Clearly you can tell where I am going with this. I had an idea that she was up to something but wishing I was wrong. I just wanted to see what her response was going to be.)


(Her response)

Could you stop being so immature and selfish for a minute? this is not about you. I had a client and FYI, I tend to help my clients, that's what I do. That's my job now. Leave her out of this.

God, I thought we were past this. I swear this, I am not rubbing anything in your face. I would even help yo uout with a design if you liked. I know that's unlikely to happen but I mean no harm. Relax carroll, I really don't bite, waving a white flag here. And you got to admit the blog is pretty.


(Now, the thing that caught my eye first was her calling me immature and selfish. I think it is normal for me to be concerned about her intentions. She asked me to leave her alone and I did then she turns around and invades my world. One of my blogs. Knowing that we have not mended any fences. Nor has she ever reached out to try. So she redesigns a blog that I am an admin. of and go to everyday and leaves a link to her blog on mine. And she has me banned on that blog to boot. And banned on her GR group and Twitter, you name it. And for someone who has repeatedly told me she didn't want anything to do with me, and to leave her alone, she sure didn't have a problem bothering me. I also took offense to her waving the white flag. I tried this with her in the past and she spat on it.)


(My reply back)

Jude, why would I ask you? You told me to leave you alone. You are the one who don't want to be friends. I did what you asked. Hira was wrong to ask you to do it without consulting with me. But you should have made sure your client was aware of our relationship and that it was okay with me.

It doesn't matter, I removed myself from that blog and from that group. (A group that I created) Just to avoid any more drama. But you don't want anything to do with me yet, you still find a way to be there in my face.

And as for the white flag, I tried waving it too one time and you spat on it. Just ... fine, whatever. It's over with so from now on, find your own friends please and leave mine alone. Okay? Thanks.

And yes, it does look nice. You do great work. I did consider asking you to do mine but we're not friends. (Your words - not mine) And you don't want me in your life so, I can't do this Jude. I can't have you in my life when it's conveinent for you. You're either in it all the way or your not. You chose not. (Your choice - not mine)



(Her reply)

I don't have to be your friend to help you carroll. I would treat you as a client. If you're up for it just let me know what you want and we work it, you know, like normal people do.

If not that's up to you. Your choice not mine. It is her poetry on that blog and stop caring about me. You either give a damn all the way or you either don't. Your words, not mine.

Teasing aside, I mean it Carroll, leave her out of it and drag your butt back to that group you created, don't give me the honor of taking that away from you. I'm giving you a pointed finger here.


(Where do I begin to break this down? First, she must mean that normal people go around breaking their word. She says we don't have to be friends to do business yet when we were doing business last year, she didn't keep her word and do the interview and book review she promised because "we weren't friends and she doesn't do business with people who are not her friends" - Ten months later, she does? Or is it only when it works to her favor that she does? You decide. And she also made an attempt to joke with me at the end. Funny, she hasn't done that for like ages. Why is she trying to be so nice to me all of a sudden? She hasn't been this nice to me for ten months. Something isn't right)


(My reply back)

  Let me see if I can explain this properly.

You don't want anything to do with me. You don't want to be associated with anything that has to do with me. Not privately and certainly not publicly. Even though i tried, you didn't want that. This is why I am banned from everything in your life.

There are a lot of people who know of our history. That may be a lot of my fault. Still, they know. They know of my hurt, my drinking, and all the rest. They just know. Because of this, i cannot be associated with a blog that has my name on it and still have your name on it (like the link to your blog on my blog) Too many people will see this and become confused.

I do not want to confuse people.

I don't want to give people the wrong idea. They will see this and think we are friends. They will ask questions. They will fill my inbox, both my email and Goodreads. i don't want to have to answer them.

Jude, i care too much about you. I can't do business with you and not be friends with you. Most in part because you don't care about me. And that is what hurts, You wanted me out of your life to the point where you ignore me and my existence. I just would have thought that you would have given me the same consideration that you would have stayed out of mine.

That's what normal people do.

And I have poetry on that blog too. That blog is the Love Hate Poetry group blog. My group, or at least it used to be. And I was a contributor to that blog as an admin. My name is all over that blog. I can't have your name on it too. Not when we are not friends. It just can't be that way. For anyone to be associated with me, they have to be of high standing in my eyes. I do not associate with people I do not endorse. And I do not endorse people who ban me from their life. Their groups, their blogs, everything.

When someone I used to love more than the earth itself tells me they don't want to be friends anymore then we are not friends. We're not anything. This includes business too.

I really hope I explained this properly. But when someone breaks the ties with me, They break all ties. And i can't endorse someone who wants nothing to do with me. I can't endorse you because I don't know you. It doesn't matter what i think or how I feel privately, but I can't be associated with someone publicly who wants nothing to do with me publicly. Understand?

What i am saying is ... i can't endorse someone who can't endorse me.



(I am trying to be as nice as I can about it. Reminding her that she failed me first and that now, I have to fail her. That she should not be trying to splash herself in my life in any capacity when she herself wanted me to leave her alone. She should have done the same. She never did address these emotions I revealed to her. She only responded with one word.


(Her response)

Ok



(This clearly told me everything I needed to know. Mostly that I was right. And i think she knew at this point that I was onto her and what she was trying to do. It had nothing at all to do with her desire to help me or Ira or our blogs. My blog doesn't need a new design, people come to it to read the posts. She just wanted to post a link on my blogs because she knows I get 500 to 750 views per day. And that's a lot! Soon after this, ira announced to me that she was closing the blog. This got me angry. She was blaming herself for everything when in truth, Jude was to blame. She had no business trying to do business with me or Ira or any of our blogs. She lost that right when she broke her promises to me ten months earlier. In my anger to what Ira told me, i sent Jude another email.)


(My email to jude)

Hira is closing her blog now. Congratulations Jude, it wasn't enough to screw me over, now you screwed her too. You are talented. You have a gift.



(Her reply)

Do not even dare blame this on me. YOU are the idiot here. if you hadn't done your stupid tantrum things would be fine. But no, you had to go and stomp your little feet.

How about we play a game? You don't talk to me and i don't talk to you. The first one to break those rules, loses. Starting NOW!



(The name calling is her favorite thing. And of course, it is my fault that she used Ira to get her blog link on one of my blogs without my consent knowing that she and I had never mended our fences and all she wanted was to get her link on my blogs to rub it in on me. And I am the one throwing the tantrum? Funny stuff right there.)


(My reply to her)

I lose. We lose. That has always been the sory of us. This is your fault Jude. You wanted something from me which is why you pretended to be nice to me again.


(Her response)

Fine. Blame me if your such a coward you can't take responsibility.

And to think sometimes I miss you. but then you jump right back in and I remember all the bullshit you've put me through. Thanks for the refreshment. Now stop talking to me. You wanted this so badly, you got it. get lost.


(Keeping in mind here that she invaded my world when i was suppose to never invade hers. It's always one sided with Jude. Kiss her fat ass or feel her wrath. And keeping in mind also that a few emails earlier, i wrote some very emotional words in which she never even addressed. I think telling me that she sometimes misses me would have been better believed had she said that a few emails earlier too. As it is, in the heat of anger it just doesn't sound convincing.)


(My repsonse to her)

Oh no Jude, you wanted it. You never made me to guess about that. Your the one who didn't get what she wanted and now you are stomping your feet. Just remember you and your friends were the ones who went back on your words. Come on, you know how popular my blog is. You telling me that you didn't want that publicity?

You miss me? Right. You sure have a funny way of showing it.



(Can we agree that at this point, I haven't called her any names yet in our emails? And how many has she called me?)



(her reply)

You care about me? what a shitty way of showing it. And I said sometimes! BIG difference. Clearly I'm not missing anything good.

Don;t make me laugh. You need a reality check. I have more than enough followers honey, now how about you get the fuck out of my life for good now? Your messages are going directly to the trash again. dont even bother.


(Funny, I was out of her life for good until she came into mine by working on one of my blogs without my consent or knowledge. And I have a shitty way of showing it? Didn't I just send her an emotional email not too long ago in which all she said was ... "OK"? And she knows that while she does have a lot of followers, she doesn't get nearly the amount of views that i do. By the end of the month, I will have surpassed her total in my first six months than what she has in 18 months. Do the math.)



(My reply)

You want to talk about business being business without the friendship? How about our business deal that you backed out of? Oh, wait, that's okay, right?


(And then she replied)

you messaged me first imbecile.



(Clearly, she loves me very much. Always has and always will. Lucky me.)


 (My response to which she has yet to reply to)

Jude, we had a deal back when and you got out of it because "you weren't my friend anymore" - so please do not talk business with me okay? And is this what it has gone back to? Calling me names? Fine. But you and I know that I get 500 to 750 views a day. Followers do not mean crap when they aren't really following you.



(And scene! ... Did we learn anything today?) LOL